I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
