well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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