three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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