Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
