She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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