i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i came on her dog
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
