I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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