I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
