I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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