His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
