Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dicks are not precious.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
