I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
