it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
did i walk over a car last night?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity