regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
