he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
