i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
