so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
