my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
