is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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