In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
