god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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