It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
are you so shy because you have an std?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
