There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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