Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
