Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
