He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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