I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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