I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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