True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
