and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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