"it" just moved
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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