Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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