I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
