was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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