I only kidnapped one of them. chill
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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