my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
