nutella sex= disaster
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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