There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
