What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My life is pants optional.
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