i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
