I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
