So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
