he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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