When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
