my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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