why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Houston, we have a blender
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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