[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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