dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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