The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
