Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
FUCK WHALES
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