Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
