Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All the doctor said was why
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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