I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
