No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
