now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
