I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
